I often wonder.
am i ever going to be good enough.good enough for anyone.
where's the line where i can see im going somewhere.
am i trying to prove myself to the world. that im not stupid, that im not fat, that im not an ugly person.
i try and try and try to succeed in everything, to do everything i can, not to fall flat on my face, not to make a mistake, not to justify what was said in the past, to prove myself im something more.
well apparently, im nothing more...
The very reason why God says pls God and not man...
but its tough, tough not being able to gain acceptance no matter how hard u try, no matter how tired u are, no matter how much heart u put into doing things, no matter how much u smile in the face of hurt, no matter how much u score, just to show you're achieving something, but in fact, you're achieving nothing.
sometimes the fact is... you are invisible, u are weak, sometimes to the point of being pathetic, on your toes so that you dont displease anyone, crawling on your belly just to make sure you're still loved, ...
Lord help. im tired... i really am...
Its like wearing a corset. Just to look good, elegant, pleasing to the eyes, but in fact, on the inside, you are just suffocating, crushed, screaming, crying...
To the point that, sometimes even wearing a coset doesnt make people see you more, doesnt make people love u more... cos nothing, absolutly nothing will ever be good enough.
And the truth hurts. Esp with the people u love so dear, or thought were the closet. FACT is, the closer u are with people, the easier it is to get hurt, the more deep the hurt, the higher the expectation level, and it keeps getting higher, and u'll never meet it, to the point though people are around you, you still feel like you are the only one on earth, cos u just try and try to hit that line on the expectation level scale that says, WELL DONE.
nothing will ever good enough. nothing.
i hope im not like that with others. cos the feeling kinda sucks when it comes to the point it feels like u no longer exist, or whatever u try to do to please and make happy, is doubtless nothing in other's eyes.
i try so hard, to have a future and a hope. To pass a hope to others in future. but instead i might be very well seen as, i dunno, "im trying too hard?!?!". whatever it is.. its a dream, a calling, and no matter what others think or feel, its about taking up the cross even when no one is with me, even when no one understands.
Lord love me, support me. Help me, cause my confidence level is absolutly zero in myself, but 100% on you.
There's no need to prove myself to anyone anymore, maybe i AM what people say i am in the past. But i know, no matter how lousy i am, Jesus still died for my sins, and with that, its a most definate answer that im worth it in someone's eyes, and that someone sees, and that someone cares.
*Taking out my corset*
Adieu 2:25 AM***
