My heart sinks to the lowest pit of helplessness.
Whats RIGHT and whats WRONG.
Selflessness or selfishness.
Calling or Sacrifice.
Desire or Destiny.
Friend or Foe.
Stress or strength.
Compromise or conviction.
Submission or stand.
Then who is it that i should stand up for and who is it that i shall submit to.
Is caring for how others feel actually a strength or a weakness? now this is the all time biggest question in my mind.
This week is the STRESS week... ive got family, church and studies all cramped into one week... my sis is back, emerge is here and study hours to complete... im no superman, i cant do and complete all at once, its really quite not possible unless i let one go or unless i can be at many places at one time. the obvious reason is study hours.
im all pumped up for emerge till my sis arrived.. i really really miss her and is happy to see her... but i'll face all the
" your sis comes back rarely, and you're always in church.."
"why cant u just skip church once for your family.."
"u dont put your family first.."
"we are not important..."
"see your sis loves u so much, but u dont bother about her when she comes back..."
It seriously
STABS MY HEART. IT DOES! like mulitple times with a jaggered knife.
Emerge is here and i need to be in church for four days.. and my sis leaves on the 4 of june which is the last day of emerge. and ive tried spending all that i can with her... and my study hours is so dead.. and i dont even know if its a valid reason. then the last four days she's here i cant be with her. i dunno how, i dunno why, im seen as the "i dont care about my family girl" ... and it sucks to be known that way when it ISNT TRUE.
As i said, im no superman... but we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.. then what... am i weak? Then again when we are weak, He is strong.
It seems like u will understand and it seems like you wont. i dunno who to confide in, i dunno where to run to, where to hide, where to seek the place of serenity, where the pressures of the world cant get to me except the Holy Spirit. i need that place urgently. Secret place yes... but how i wish it was a physical place, with nothing but good scenery and cooling air, with NOTHING IN THE WORLD TO TOUCH ME. but that would be quite impossible.
Go ahead and think "oh my goodness this girl is weak and pathetic" , but when im weak then He is strong. i cant do this on my own... increase my faith, imcrease my love, increase my wisdom and decrease my pride. Its not what people think, but what You think.
I want to go back to when i was 5 years old again. seriously. Where Jesus was my best and only friend with nothing else in the world that could break the bond.
I wished i had my childlike brain, where my world and His were as one. No rational thoughts, no thoughts of the impossible, no thoughts of the world is a broken down place... But only thoughts of everything is possible when Jesus is with me.
desire and sacrifice. urgh. just take my heart to the altar and burn it or something. i give my all.
Yes, i do get sad, i do get angry, i do get frustrated with the things of the world cos i have emotions and feelings. so mind me.
*on bended knees, teach me Your ways. *
Adieu 2:58 PM***
